Love

Love is both the best of things and the worst of things. Nothing has the ability to shape your life as much as love. When all is well, you're on top of the world and unstoppable. When things are not going well, life seems like a struggle.

We experience love from many sources -- our parents and family; our spouse or significant other; our children; our friends.

For this resolution, I am focusing on the love between myself and my husband.

My husband and I don't have a whirlwind, romantic story to tell. Well, maybe to some it's romantic. We met via a mutual friend at a museum opening (it sounds much more posh than it actually was). I had heard all about him from my friend. She wasn't trying to play matchmaker and I wasn't expecting anything to happen; I just wanted to meet him after all the stories I had heard. We hit it off that night, he drove me to the metro station, we kissed, and I gave him my number.

Except apparently in my slightly intoxicated state I gave him the wrong number and he had to get my email address from our friend.

We've been together ever since, no looking back. We became engaged around Thanksgiving 2008 and planned a May 2009 wedding. My mother had a stroke and life changed. I put the wedding off until things settled down. Then, I found out I was pregnant in June 2009 just after my grandmother had unexpectedly passed away. Diego was determined to make an honest woman out of me and we married at the courthouse in July.

I do love my husband very much. He is a very caring soul, although not overtly romantic. But, he remembers to buy me popcorn at the grocery store, so I can't fault him too much for not bringing me flowers every week. Popcorn tastes better than flowers anyway. He is supportive of me and my various hare brained schemes. He is an amazing father.

However, we have very different approaches to conflict and life. I am...fiesty. I am a yeller. I occasionally slam doors and throw shoes (not at people). I have a temper. I can be mean. Diego is not a fighter. That just irks me more when we're in the midst of a heated discussion. My parents weren't exactly a model couple, so I only know one way to fight and that's not the productive, loving way. I am impatient. I am critical. I am easily frustrated. I take things very personally and get defensive. With the added stress of our daughter being born and readjusting our lives, my stress level has gone up and I tend to take it out on him.

I know that it's not fair to him, but it's like watching a car wreck. I can feel myself teetering off the edge of decorum and constructive discussion into anger and critcism. And, he in return, tends to shut down. He probably figures it's better not to say anything than to fan my fire.

Obviously this is not healthy and it seriously concerns me. I don't want my marriage to fail. I don't want my daughter to be raised in an unhappy family.

I've done some reading and am part way through John Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. It's been eye-opening. And sadly, I think all Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse, as he calls criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, have settled in our marriage. I'll take most of the blame for this.

I resolve to focus on Love this year by:

1. Seeking out therapy to explore and hopefully "resolve" my issues with criticism and impatience (see post on my Mind resolution)
2. Making a point to touch my husband affectionately at least once a day (get your mind out of the gutter!). Goodnight kisses don't count.
3. Make a point to express my appreciation for my husband at least once a week
4. Plan a date night once a month