Body

As I sit writing this post, I am munching on chips and queso.  Okay, I have a salad to eat, too, but it has guac, cheese, and tortilla strips in it.  Not the healthiest thing I could be eating, eh?  But, I've been craving a Cal Tort salad all day, so a Cal Tort salad is what I'm having. 

My second set of resolutions can be categorized under the heading "Body".  Yes, that does include losing weight, but it also encompasses more for me.

I've always been heavy.  Always, with the exception, perhaps of early elementary school.  I am not one of these girls who magically put on weight in high school or college or after having a baby. I've always had the weight on.  Admittedly, my weight has increased as the years passed, but it's been so gradual that I hardly noticed.  That is, until my pants don't fit and I have to head to Lane Bryant.

I actually had made my peace with my weight in college sometime.  I was a big girl and I was okay with that.  My health was more or less fine; I was able to walk long distances even if I couldn't run. I had great friends, some boys I flirted with, and eventually I found a long-distance boyfriend whom I loved.  I truly did think (and still do) that big can be beautiful.  Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors. 

Most of my family is heavy.  I did not have the best eating habits when growing up.  We had good food, we just ate it in large proportions with way too many starches and bad-for-you condiments.  I used to sneak the fatty bits from steaks.  I still love the fatty bits.  Mmmmm....

Somewhere along the way, I came to see food as love and comfort.  What better way to show your love for someone than to cook for them or take them out to a  nice dinner?  What better way to calm down and have control over *something* than to eat while your parents were fighting like cats and dogs?  What better way to hang out with friends than over pizza or burgers or drinks (or all of the above)?

Over the years, I have tried to lose weight. When I was in my mid-twenties I had good results with Weight Watchers.  I think I lost around 30lbs or so. I actually saw my collarbones for the first time in a long, long, time.  But, I fell off that wagon and my weight has steadily creeped up until, here I am at 32 years old weighing twice of what an average woman should weigh.  Yes, really, I'm not actually exaggerating.

Still, the number on the scale didn't bother me that much (probably because I didn't look at the scale very often).  But, several things have happened in the last few years that have just added fuel to the fire.  I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of years ago and had to go on medication for it.  My mother, who always had uncontrolled high blood pressure suffered a massive stroke two years ago.  You'd think that would have scared me into action, but no.

Then I got pregnant.  I didn't know until I was nearly 3 months along and was taking this high blood pressure medicine that is not compatible with babies.  I was convinced I had caused the fetus irreparable harm.  Because of the high blood pressure, I was very closely monitored.  I had ultra sounds once a month in the early stages and then every two weeks as my due date neared.  My baby was born healthy and happy (thank G-d), but she was also very small -- just over 6 lbs.  It could have been normal, but it also could have been due to they hypertension.  Hypertension restricts blood flow to the placenta and can discourage growth of the baby, hence all of the monitoring.

But, the straw that's broken the camel's back is how I've felt for the last year. 

I have felt very unattractive for the last nine months or so.  To the point that I avoid my husband sometimes because I wonder why he'd even want to still be intimate with me.  I have never felt this way before, even when I was in the dating desert wasteland. 

I'm terrified about flying to San Francisco on business in two weeks because some poor soul might have to be stuck in the middle seat next to me for 6 hours.  How uncomfortable for them.  Not to mention trying to find appropriate work clothes to be on show site.  Finding a non-ugly suit in my size is a challenge.  And I still look generally ridiculous even in the non-ugly ones. 

And worst of all, my body simply doesn't do the things it used to do.  Walking is actually becoming an effort for me.  My back stiffens up, my calves cramp, I start breathing heavily.  Going up stairs leaves me embarrassingly out of breath, enough that my husband asks me what's wrong (and then I yell at him to leave me alone because I'm so embarrassed of being such a fat ass).  My feet swell like sausages (and I had the baby 12 months ago!).  I seriously worry about stroking out or dying suddenly.  And that would leave my husband and baby alone, not to mention my parents, siblings, and friends.  And that makes me sad. 

So, in an attempt to get myself in a better physical place, I am setting several Body resolutions.

1.  Join Weight Watchers, attend meetings (unless I hate them and then I reserve the right to switch to online only), and try to work the program as best I can
2.  Be more active.  This one will be a challenge because I'm not sure when I'll fit it in, but at the very least, I resolve to taking the stairs at work and just trying to move my body more.
3.  In association with my Mind goals, explore why I feel the way I do about food in therapy.  Hopefully break some of those chains.
4.  Go to bed earlier, preferably by 11:00 PM.
5.  Learn to love my body again.  Learn to let my husband love my body again.  Learn to be comfortable in my own skin, whatever size that skin takes.