I've been doing the Weight Watchers (WW) thing for 3 weeks now. I knew the first week I'd probably lose a good chunk of weight -- nearly everyone does. The second week it was 2.2 lbs and I thought that was pretty good. When I stepped on the scale last week I was shocked to be told I had lost 6.2 lbs that week! 6.2 lbs! Crazy! So, that brings me to a total of 14 lbs lost, hopefully never to be seen again.
This week has been challenging in the eating department. There have been 2 lunches ordered in with one more (Birthday) lunch tomorrow. And last night I couldn't stop myself and just kept eating and eating and eating. I've tracked the points, but it still worries me a bit.
I'm trying to figure out what the trigger was. Yes, I'm stressed and a bit depressed, but I'm not sure if that was it. I wonder if it's because I had a ton of carbs and sugar the other day. Maybe that made me crave more carbs and sugar. It's hard to tell at this point.
But, I will keep tracking my food, taking responsibility for it and myself, and just keep plugging along. I'm just 4 lbs away from my 5% and I can TASTE it!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Assumptions
I have been meeting with my therapist for about 3 weeks now. Today was the last "diagnostic interview" day -- where she learns about my background, etc. We spent the last 15 minutes or so doing actual talk therapy.
I won't get into the sordid details, but at one point she asked me if I had made an assumption about something Diego wanted. And you know what, I had. I hadn't asked him about it, I had just assumed that because I would have appreciated a certain action, he would have appreciated the same action.
But, her question got me thinking -- just because I think one way, it's entirely possible that Diego thinks a completely different way. That sounds so simple, but it's pretty eye-opening me for me. I mean, I know that we have different ways of thinking about some things. We have differening problems. But, there are certain things that I just assume.
And that's a problem. We don't communicate very well, Diego and I, and I think we both make assumptions. So, next week, I'm going to try to talk about my (our) communication problems.
I won't get into the sordid details, but at one point she asked me if I had made an assumption about something Diego wanted. And you know what, I had. I hadn't asked him about it, I had just assumed that because I would have appreciated a certain action, he would have appreciated the same action.
But, her question got me thinking -- just because I think one way, it's entirely possible that Diego thinks a completely different way. That sounds so simple, but it's pretty eye-opening me for me. I mean, I know that we have different ways of thinking about some things. We have differening problems. But, there are certain things that I just assume.
And that's a problem. We don't communicate very well, Diego and I, and I think we both make assumptions. So, next week, I'm going to try to talk about my (our) communication problems.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Cultivating love
I don't know why it's so hard to get my love act together. Admittedly, I have been in a better mood for the last week, so that in and of itself is a step forward in my relationship. However, I still really need to work on my temper and criticism. I have been very remiss in showing physical affection to my husband and complimenting him. Nor have I planned a date night. Really, I'm a love slacker.
I think that my husband and I need to start with basics. We've been so focused on going, going, going for the past year that we don't know how to connect anymore. Or maybe it's just me.
Delia's gone to bed super early for the last few nights and Diego's dad is in the hospital which meant we had a lot of time together in the evenings. But, we just sat there on the couch, watching TV and surfing the internet. Not really talking. Not really connecting or interacting. I'm scared and frustrated all at the same time. I don't know what to do about it.
So, I went to bed at 9:30 the last two nights. It was GLORIOUS. But, of course, I was asleep by the time Diego came up to bed. So, I missed that chance to connect as well.
I need to give more attention to my relationship. Maybe the best thing to do is to write my resolutions out somewhere so I can really focus on them. Having them in front of my face so I can't ignore them or forget about them.
Hopefully I'll have a more positive update next week.
I think that my husband and I need to start with basics. We've been so focused on going, going, going for the past year that we don't know how to connect anymore. Or maybe it's just me.
Delia's gone to bed super early for the last few nights and Diego's dad is in the hospital which meant we had a lot of time together in the evenings. But, we just sat there on the couch, watching TV and surfing the internet. Not really talking. Not really connecting or interacting. I'm scared and frustrated all at the same time. I don't know what to do about it.
So, I went to bed at 9:30 the last two nights. It was GLORIOUS. But, of course, I was asleep by the time Diego came up to bed. So, I missed that chance to connect as well.
I need to give more attention to my relationship. Maybe the best thing to do is to write my resolutions out somewhere so I can really focus on them. Having them in front of my face so I can't ignore them or forget about them.
Hopefully I'll have a more positive update next week.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tending the body
I signed up for Weight Watchers last week, but didn’t get around to attending my first meeting until this past Sunday. In the past when I’ve done WW, I’ve only done it online. I generally hate people and I am always worried that I’ll be the youngest or the fattest or the whatever-est at these things. I was particularly hesitant because this meeting was in Bethesda. Bethesda is the land of the wealthy and upper middle class. The land of people who drive Mercedes, have nannies, and vacation homes. I have none of those things and probably never will. So, I was afraid that I’d be in a room of 40 something overachievers who were concerned about losing 10 lbs.
Luckily, the meeting was nothing like that. It was actually fun and nice. It had a good variety of people of all ages, genders, shapes, and sizes. I probably was one of the largest people there, but not so large that I looked like the odd woman out. It was a good experience.
I weighed about what I thought I would. Seeing it in writing though makes it more real. But, I know that I have to get myself healthier to make myself and my family happier.
I brought home all of my materials and started chatting to Diego about them. He was actually really interested in the process and still asks me occasional questions about “can you eat that” or “what do you eat”. And I tell him that I can eat anything I want, I just have to account for it and work around it. It sounds so simple but yet so freeing at the same time.
I can eat whatever I want; I just have to make trade offs later that day or later that week to account for it.
It helps that I have an absurdly high number of points right now because I’m so heavy. Last night I actually had to make a sandwich with white bread and real mayo to make up some points so I wasn’t left with 10 pts at the end of the day. And man, that sandwich was good!
Doing this tracking is making more aware of what I’m putting in my mouth. Today, I feel happy that I’m on this program. I feel in control, and I haven’t felt in control of much lately. Maybe that’s why my mood has improved a lot since I’ve started this blog. I’m not just sitting around, letting life push me around. I’m taking charge, setting goals, taking CONTROL of the situation.
Now, I know that I can’t control much in my life. So many things are left up to change and circumstance and yes, even G-d, but it’s nice to feel that I can control one or two things in my life. Maybe that’s what my overarching theme of this year should be: controlling what can be controlled, and accepting what cannot be controlled.
Luckily, the meeting was nothing like that. It was actually fun and nice. It had a good variety of people of all ages, genders, shapes, and sizes. I probably was one of the largest people there, but not so large that I looked like the odd woman out. It was a good experience.
I weighed about what I thought I would. Seeing it in writing though makes it more real. But, I know that I have to get myself healthier to make myself and my family happier.
I brought home all of my materials and started chatting to Diego about them. He was actually really interested in the process and still asks me occasional questions about “can you eat that” or “what do you eat”. And I tell him that I can eat anything I want, I just have to account for it and work around it. It sounds so simple but yet so freeing at the same time.
I can eat whatever I want; I just have to make trade offs later that day or later that week to account for it.
It helps that I have an absurdly high number of points right now because I’m so heavy. Last night I actually had to make a sandwich with white bread and real mayo to make up some points so I wasn’t left with 10 pts at the end of the day. And man, that sandwich was good!
Doing this tracking is making more aware of what I’m putting in my mouth. Today, I feel happy that I’m on this program. I feel in control, and I haven’t felt in control of much lately. Maybe that’s why my mood has improved a lot since I’ve started this blog. I’m not just sitting around, letting life push me around. I’m taking charge, setting goals, taking CONTROL of the situation.
Now, I know that I can’t control much in my life. So many things are left up to change and circumstance and yes, even G-d, but it’s nice to feel that I can control one or two things in my life. Maybe that’s what my overarching theme of this year should be: controlling what can be controlled, and accepting what cannot be controlled.
Minding my mind
So, trying to find a therapist has been challenging. Apparently finding a therapist close to where I live, who takes BCBS, and has evening or weekend hours is impossible. Maybe I should consider a career change?
After much searching and fruitless phone calls and emails, I have found someone who is across the street from my job. Now, ideally, I don’t want to have therapy during the work day because I would think that it would be mentally exhausting, but since I can’t find what I need closer to home, I have to take what I can get. Ironically, this therapist actually has weekend hours! But, I won’t be driving to Virginia on the weekend if I can avoid it; I’m hoping that we can find a regular appointment early in the morning, around lunch, or in the early evening. Here’s to hoping.
I have my first appointment with her this upcoming Monday. How fitting since Mondays are my Mind day :-)
I have been keeping a Gratitude Journal most days. I recently skipped a few days because, well, I forgot, but I picked it up again.
Yesterday was a good day, mentally. Although work is extremely stressful right now, I felt pretty good when I got home. Honestly, it helped that Delia decided to go to bed at 6:30, so I was able to spend the evening focusing on me and my husband. I went to bed at 9:30 and it was GLORIOUS. So glorious that I didn’t mind when Delia woke up at quarter to 6.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Creativity
The last of my resolutions focuses on Creativity. I have always been a crafty person. Some of my favorite childhood gifts were craft-related. There's just something about finishing a project and knowing that you made it with your own hands.
Over the years I've dabbled in all kinds of stuff -- crochet, jewelry making, card making, stamping, scrapbooking, etc, etc, etc. I go through phases where I go full force with something, buying every imaginable supply, and then eventually want to try something else and repeat the process.
This has resulted in me having a lot of stuff. A Lot.
I think that other than my health, my creativity has suffered the most in the last year. With a young child and a full-time job, there isn't a lot of time left for purely fun solo activities. Especially since my crafting space is in the bedroom, which is also where the baby sleeps (yes, we have a small house!). And, it doesn't help that I boxed up my stuff months ago awaiting my husband to paint our bedroom.
I had grand delusions of making Christmas cards this year and even went as far as to purchase all of the supplies. Zero Christmas cards made. I had managed to make 2 scrapbooking pages this year as well as 3 mini albums for various presents. That's a good accomplishment :-)
This year I resolve to jumpstart my creativity by:
1. Purging my supplies. No, really.
2. Trying to only purchase things I need.
3. Finding time to do creative work at home once a month.
4. Continue doing Craft 101 at work.
Over the years I've dabbled in all kinds of stuff -- crochet, jewelry making, card making, stamping, scrapbooking, etc, etc, etc. I go through phases where I go full force with something, buying every imaginable supply, and then eventually want to try something else and repeat the process.
This has resulted in me having a lot of stuff. A Lot.
I think that other than my health, my creativity has suffered the most in the last year. With a young child and a full-time job, there isn't a lot of time left for purely fun solo activities. Especially since my crafting space is in the bedroom, which is also where the baby sleeps (yes, we have a small house!). And, it doesn't help that I boxed up my stuff months ago awaiting my husband to paint our bedroom.
I had grand delusions of making Christmas cards this year and even went as far as to purchase all of the supplies. Zero Christmas cards made. I had managed to make 2 scrapbooking pages this year as well as 3 mini albums for various presents. That's a good accomplishment :-)
This year I resolve to jumpstart my creativity by:
1. Purging my supplies. No, really.
2. Trying to only purchase things I need.
3. Finding time to do creative work at home once a month.
4. Continue doing Craft 101 at work.
Spending and Saving
My next to last resolution "theme" is that of spending and saving. It probably should read the other way, huh? Saving should always come before spending. "Should", being the key word.
I was never very good at saving, but I did excel at spending. At one point, I probably had $10,000-$15,000 in credit card debt. Some of it was from frivolous purchases like clothes, shoes, books, body products, craft stuff, laptop, etc. Some of it was for classes at the community college, car repairs, or groceries. Regardless of the merit of the purchase, over $10,000 in credit card debt isn't a good thing. And mind you, that didn't take into account my car payment or student loan payments.
About 5 years ago I realized that I didn't want to live with that much credit card debt. I started to chip away at it, with some extra payments and putting my tax return toward the payments. About 2 years ago, I paid off all of my credit cards. I also paid off my car in that time.
I also managed to get my savings up to about $5000 by putting away overtime money and money from each paycheck. However, my savings have dwindled over the past year or so, mostly because I have been taking money out of savings to cover overdrafts on my checking account. And why do I have overdrafts do you ask? Well, I'm buying stuff.
It's not stuff that I need, but I desperately want it. Books, stamping supplies, scrapbooking supplies, etc, etc, etc. It started with a treat to myself after the baby was born, then, it became more frequent. Whenever I felt sad or unhappy or stressed out (which, really is the entire first year after a baby), I spent money.
At least I haven't been charging things to a credit card. I do all of my buying with my Visa check card or PayPal (connected to my checking account). But, that still doesn't me feel less sick to my stomach when I realize that I'm down to less than $1000 in my savings account.
Additionally, our joint credit card bills have been quite high over the last year or so. We always pay off that balance each month, and much of it was purchasing baby stuff, but there's no good reason to have a $2000+ credit card bill each month.
Diego and I both kept our finances separate before we were married even when we were living together. We're both set in our financial ways and like having our money to do what we want to with it. Diego is *much* more frugal than I am, however. He is a good influence on me. But, we need to learn to work more in tandem when it comes to our finances.
I'd really like to get a handle on my (and our) spending this year and increase my (and our) savings. I resolve to:
1. Make a household budget with Diego. Including discretionary money for each of us. And stick to it.
2. Make a savings plan with Diego and implement it.
3. Limit my craft spending. I need to come up with a reasonable amount to spend every month/quarter. Amount TBD.
I was never very good at saving, but I did excel at spending. At one point, I probably had $10,000-$15,000 in credit card debt. Some of it was from frivolous purchases like clothes, shoes, books, body products, craft stuff, laptop, etc. Some of it was for classes at the community college, car repairs, or groceries. Regardless of the merit of the purchase, over $10,000 in credit card debt isn't a good thing. And mind you, that didn't take into account my car payment or student loan payments.
About 5 years ago I realized that I didn't want to live with that much credit card debt. I started to chip away at it, with some extra payments and putting my tax return toward the payments. About 2 years ago, I paid off all of my credit cards. I also paid off my car in that time.
I also managed to get my savings up to about $5000 by putting away overtime money and money from each paycheck. However, my savings have dwindled over the past year or so, mostly because I have been taking money out of savings to cover overdrafts on my checking account. And why do I have overdrafts do you ask? Well, I'm buying stuff.
It's not stuff that I need, but I desperately want it. Books, stamping supplies, scrapbooking supplies, etc, etc, etc. It started with a treat to myself after the baby was born, then, it became more frequent. Whenever I felt sad or unhappy or stressed out (which, really is the entire first year after a baby), I spent money.
At least I haven't been charging things to a credit card. I do all of my buying with my Visa check card or PayPal (connected to my checking account). But, that still doesn't me feel less sick to my stomach when I realize that I'm down to less than $1000 in my savings account.
Additionally, our joint credit card bills have been quite high over the last year or so. We always pay off that balance each month, and much of it was purchasing baby stuff, but there's no good reason to have a $2000+ credit card bill each month.
Diego and I both kept our finances separate before we were married even when we were living together. We're both set in our financial ways and like having our money to do what we want to with it. Diego is *much* more frugal than I am, however. He is a good influence on me. But, we need to learn to work more in tandem when it comes to our finances.
I'd really like to get a handle on my (and our) spending this year and increase my (and our) savings. I resolve to:
1. Make a household budget with Diego. Including discretionary money for each of us. And stick to it.
2. Make a savings plan with Diego and implement it.
3. Limit my craft spending. I need to come up with a reasonable amount to spend every month/quarter. Amount TBD.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Friends and Family
My friends and family have always been important to me. I may not be as close to my family as some people, but I love them very much and feel contected to them. Growing up was a little rough due to problems between my parents, but now that I'm an adult, most of it has faded. Things have changed and I try not to hold grudges.
I've never had a ton of close friends. I'd say I had one throughout high school, a half dozen or so in college, and then a couple now that I'm an adult. Right now, I have about 3 people who I consider very close friends -- the kind I could call up and cry to if necessary. One of them lives 90 minutes away and the other two are local to me.
Unfortunately, I've neglected my friends in the last couple of years. My mom's stroke sapped all of my energy. Then, after I had the baby, it became more difficult to get together without major planning. Since my friends' schedules are as crazy as mine, months can pass before we can get together.
However, that's no excuse for not keeping in touch. Facebook and email are super easy and quick to use. How hard is it to send a birthday card? Same for family -- just because I can't see them every week, that's no excuse not to keep in touch in between visits.
Since my friends have put up with me through thick and thin, I owe them better treatment. And, my family is, well, my family. They deserve better as well.
So, I resolve to:
1. Remember my friends and family's birthdays and send them an email at the very least; preferably a card. This will require me to actually write down/remember birthdays :-)
2. Get together with my local girlfriends once a month, whether it's dinner, brunch, lunch, drinks, or tv time.
3. Get together with my more distant girlfriend once every three months.
4. Be more patient with my grandmother; she is old and entitled to be cranky
5. Comment on more friend's Facebook posts. I know that I appreciate when people comment on mine, so I should return the favor.
6. Visit my grandparents' graves twice a year; take Delia with me.
I've never had a ton of close friends. I'd say I had one throughout high school, a half dozen or so in college, and then a couple now that I'm an adult. Right now, I have about 3 people who I consider very close friends -- the kind I could call up and cry to if necessary. One of them lives 90 minutes away and the other two are local to me.
Unfortunately, I've neglected my friends in the last couple of years. My mom's stroke sapped all of my energy. Then, after I had the baby, it became more difficult to get together without major planning. Since my friends' schedules are as crazy as mine, months can pass before we can get together.
However, that's no excuse for not keeping in touch. Facebook and email are super easy and quick to use. How hard is it to send a birthday card? Same for family -- just because I can't see them every week, that's no excuse not to keep in touch in between visits.
Since my friends have put up with me through thick and thin, I owe them better treatment. And, my family is, well, my family. They deserve better as well.
So, I resolve to:
1. Remember my friends and family's birthdays and send them an email at the very least; preferably a card. This will require me to actually write down/remember birthdays :-)
2. Get together with my local girlfriends once a month, whether it's dinner, brunch, lunch, drinks, or tv time.
3. Get together with my more distant girlfriend once every three months.
4. Be more patient with my grandmother; she is old and entitled to be cranky
5. Comment on more friend's Facebook posts. I know that I appreciate when people comment on mine, so I should return the favor.
6. Visit my grandparents' graves twice a year; take Delia with me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Home and Organization
One of the greatest ironies in my life is that I'm paid to be organized for a living (I'm a meeting planner, focusing on logistics), but I have always been a messy person. Neat is not an adjective that is used to describe me.
I think that part of my problem is that I have a lot of stuff. I tend to be an impulsive buyer. I buy "themes" of things. If I want to learn more about a subject, I buy 3 or 4 books about it. If I decide that I'm going to take up jewelry making, I buy a ton of supplies. I just like acquiring stuff.
Also, with having a baby, the amount of time that we can spend on cleaning and organizing the house has diminished significantly. We were never neat freaks, but the amount of clutter is reaching a problematic level. And I fully admit that it's largely due to me and my penchant for stuff.
I recently bought a book called Organize Now or something like that. Basically it lays out a week-by-week guide to organizing your house. I bought the book with high hopes, but frankly, I don't see how it's possible to devote time every week to organizing with a one-year old and a full-time job. But, I will continue to read it and hopefully gleam some suggestions from it that I can use now.
However, I would like to make some small inroads on organizing this year. We're hoping to move in the next year, so something needs to happen or else we'll just have to pull a dumpster up to the house and toss it all in.
In addition to organization, there are some household type tasks that need to be done, especially now that we have a child.
So, my home and organizing baby steps this year are:
1. Make a list of all passwords and account numbers, just in case
2. Make a will; at the very least select guardians for Delia
3. Purge my clothes, crafting supplies, and books (and don't buy things to replace the items I purged)
4. Follow through with donating the items I have in bags around the house
5. Try to tidy up (at least Delia's toys) each night before bed
I think that part of my problem is that I have a lot of stuff. I tend to be an impulsive buyer. I buy "themes" of things. If I want to learn more about a subject, I buy 3 or 4 books about it. If I decide that I'm going to take up jewelry making, I buy a ton of supplies. I just like acquiring stuff.
Also, with having a baby, the amount of time that we can spend on cleaning and organizing the house has diminished significantly. We were never neat freaks, but the amount of clutter is reaching a problematic level. And I fully admit that it's largely due to me and my penchant for stuff.
I recently bought a book called Organize Now or something like that. Basically it lays out a week-by-week guide to organizing your house. I bought the book with high hopes, but frankly, I don't see how it's possible to devote time every week to organizing with a one-year old and a full-time job. But, I will continue to read it and hopefully gleam some suggestions from it that I can use now.
However, I would like to make some small inroads on organizing this year. We're hoping to move in the next year, so something needs to happen or else we'll just have to pull a dumpster up to the house and toss it all in.
In addition to organization, there are some household type tasks that need to be done, especially now that we have a child.
So, my home and organizing baby steps this year are:
1. Make a list of all passwords and account numbers, just in case
2. Make a will; at the very least select guardians for Delia
3. Purge my clothes, crafting supplies, and books (and don't buy things to replace the items I purged)
4. Follow through with donating the items I have in bags around the house
5. Try to tidy up (at least Delia's toys) each night before bed
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Love
Love is both the best of things and the worst of things. Nothing has the ability to shape your life as much as love. When all is well, you're on top of the world and unstoppable. When things are not going well, life seems like a struggle.
We experience love from many sources -- our parents and family; our spouse or significant other; our children; our friends.
For this resolution, I am focusing on the love between myself and my husband.
My husband and I don't have a whirlwind, romantic story to tell. Well, maybe to some it's romantic. We met via a mutual friend at a museum opening (it sounds much more posh than it actually was). I had heard all about him from my friend. She wasn't trying to play matchmaker and I wasn't expecting anything to happen; I just wanted to meet him after all the stories I had heard. We hit it off that night, he drove me to the metro station, we kissed, and I gave him my number.
Except apparently in my slightly intoxicated state I gave him the wrong number and he had to get my email address from our friend.
We've been together ever since, no looking back. We became engaged around Thanksgiving 2008 and planned a May 2009 wedding. My mother had a stroke and life changed. I put the wedding off until things settled down. Then, I found out I was pregnant in June 2009 just after my grandmother had unexpectedly passed away. Diego was determined to make an honest woman out of me and we married at the courthouse in July.
I do love my husband very much. He is a very caring soul, although not overtly romantic. But, he remembers to buy me popcorn at the grocery store, so I can't fault him too much for not bringing me flowers every week. Popcorn tastes better than flowers anyway. He is supportive of me and my various hare brained schemes. He is an amazing father.
However, we have very different approaches to conflict and life. I am...fiesty. I am a yeller. I occasionally slam doors and throw shoes (not at people). I have a temper. I can be mean. Diego is not a fighter. That just irks me more when we're in the midst of a heated discussion. My parents weren't exactly a model couple, so I only know one way to fight and that's not the productive, loving way. I am impatient. I am critical. I am easily frustrated. I take things very personally and get defensive. With the added stress of our daughter being born and readjusting our lives, my stress level has gone up and I tend to take it out on him.
I know that it's not fair to him, but it's like watching a car wreck. I can feel myself teetering off the edge of decorum and constructive discussion into anger and critcism. And, he in return, tends to shut down. He probably figures it's better not to say anything than to fan my fire.
Obviously this is not healthy and it seriously concerns me. I don't want my marriage to fail. I don't want my daughter to be raised in an unhappy family.
I've done some reading and am part way through John Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. It's been eye-opening. And sadly, I think all Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse, as he calls criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, have settled in our marriage. I'll take most of the blame for this.
I resolve to focus on Love this year by:
1. Seeking out therapy to explore and hopefully "resolve" my issues with criticism and impatience (see post on my Mind resolution)
2. Making a point to touch my husband affectionately at least once a day (get your mind out of the gutter!). Goodnight kisses don't count.
3. Make a point to express my appreciation for my husband at least once a week
4. Plan a date night once a month
We experience love from many sources -- our parents and family; our spouse or significant other; our children; our friends.
For this resolution, I am focusing on the love between myself and my husband.
My husband and I don't have a whirlwind, romantic story to tell. Well, maybe to some it's romantic. We met via a mutual friend at a museum opening (it sounds much more posh than it actually was). I had heard all about him from my friend. She wasn't trying to play matchmaker and I wasn't expecting anything to happen; I just wanted to meet him after all the stories I had heard. We hit it off that night, he drove me to the metro station, we kissed, and I gave him my number.
Except apparently in my slightly intoxicated state I gave him the wrong number and he had to get my email address from our friend.
We've been together ever since, no looking back. We became engaged around Thanksgiving 2008 and planned a May 2009 wedding. My mother had a stroke and life changed. I put the wedding off until things settled down. Then, I found out I was pregnant in June 2009 just after my grandmother had unexpectedly passed away. Diego was determined to make an honest woman out of me and we married at the courthouse in July.
I do love my husband very much. He is a very caring soul, although not overtly romantic. But, he remembers to buy me popcorn at the grocery store, so I can't fault him too much for not bringing me flowers every week. Popcorn tastes better than flowers anyway. He is supportive of me and my various hare brained schemes. He is an amazing father.
However, we have very different approaches to conflict and life. I am...fiesty. I am a yeller. I occasionally slam doors and throw shoes (not at people). I have a temper. I can be mean. Diego is not a fighter. That just irks me more when we're in the midst of a heated discussion. My parents weren't exactly a model couple, so I only know one way to fight and that's not the productive, loving way. I am impatient. I am critical. I am easily frustrated. I take things very personally and get defensive. With the added stress of our daughter being born and readjusting our lives, my stress level has gone up and I tend to take it out on him.
I know that it's not fair to him, but it's like watching a car wreck. I can feel myself teetering off the edge of decorum and constructive discussion into anger and critcism. And, he in return, tends to shut down. He probably figures it's better not to say anything than to fan my fire.
Obviously this is not healthy and it seriously concerns me. I don't want my marriage to fail. I don't want my daughter to be raised in an unhappy family.
I've done some reading and am part way through John Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. It's been eye-opening. And sadly, I think all Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse, as he calls criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, have settled in our marriage. I'll take most of the blame for this.
I resolve to focus on Love this year by:
1. Seeking out therapy to explore and hopefully "resolve" my issues with criticism and impatience (see post on my Mind resolution)
2. Making a point to touch my husband affectionately at least once a day (get your mind out of the gutter!). Goodnight kisses don't count.
3. Make a point to express my appreciation for my husband at least once a week
4. Plan a date night once a month
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Body
As I sit writing this post, I am munching on chips and queso. Okay, I have a salad to eat, too, but it has guac, cheese, and tortilla strips in it. Not the healthiest thing I could be eating, eh? But, I've been craving a Cal Tort salad all day, so a Cal Tort salad is what I'm having.
My second set of resolutions can be categorized under the heading "Body". Yes, that does include losing weight, but it also encompasses more for me.
I've always been heavy. Always, with the exception, perhaps of early elementary school. I am not one of these girls who magically put on weight in high school or college or after having a baby. I've always had the weight on. Admittedly, my weight has increased as the years passed, but it's been so gradual that I hardly noticed. That is, until my pants don't fit and I have to head to Lane Bryant.
I actually had made my peace with my weight in college sometime. I was a big girl and I was okay with that. My health was more or less fine; I was able to walk long distances even if I couldn't run. I had great friends, some boys I flirted with, and eventually I found a long-distance boyfriend whom I loved. I truly did think (and still do) that big can be beautiful. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors.
Most of my family is heavy. I did not have the best eating habits when growing up. We had good food, we just ate it in large proportions with way too many starches and bad-for-you condiments. I used to sneak the fatty bits from steaks. I still love the fatty bits. Mmmmm....
Somewhere along the way, I came to see food as love and comfort. What better way to show your love for someone than to cook for them or take them out to a nice dinner? What better way to calm down and have control over *something* than to eat while your parents were fighting like cats and dogs? What better way to hang out with friends than over pizza or burgers or drinks (or all of the above)?
Over the years, I have tried to lose weight. When I was in my mid-twenties I had good results with Weight Watchers. I think I lost around 30lbs or so. I actually saw my collarbones for the first time in a long, long, time. But, I fell off that wagon and my weight has steadily creeped up until, here I am at 32 years old weighing twice of what an average woman should weigh. Yes, really, I'm not actually exaggerating.
Still, the number on the scale didn't bother me that much (probably because I didn't look at the scale very often). But, several things have happened in the last few years that have just added fuel to the fire. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of years ago and had to go on medication for it. My mother, who always had uncontrolled high blood pressure suffered a massive stroke two years ago. You'd think that would have scared me into action, but no.
Then I got pregnant. I didn't know until I was nearly 3 months along and was taking this high blood pressure medicine that is not compatible with babies. I was convinced I had caused the fetus irreparable harm. Because of the high blood pressure, I was very closely monitored. I had ultra sounds once a month in the early stages and then every two weeks as my due date neared. My baby was born healthy and happy (thank G-d), but she was also very small -- just over 6 lbs. It could have been normal, but it also could have been due to they hypertension. Hypertension restricts blood flow to the placenta and can discourage growth of the baby, hence all of the monitoring.
But, the straw that's broken the camel's back is how I've felt for the last year.
I have felt very unattractive for the last nine months or so. To the point that I avoid my husband sometimes because I wonder why he'd even want to still be intimate with me. I have never felt this way before, even when I was in the dating desert wasteland.
I'm terrified about flying to San Francisco on business in two weeks because some poor soul might have to be stuck in the middle seat next to me for 6 hours. How uncomfortable for them. Not to mention trying to find appropriate work clothes to be on show site. Finding a non-ugly suit in my size is a challenge. And I still look generally ridiculous even in the non-ugly ones.
And worst of all, my body simply doesn't do the things it used to do. Walking is actually becoming an effort for me. My back stiffens up, my calves cramp, I start breathing heavily. Going up stairs leaves me embarrassingly out of breath, enough that my husband asks me what's wrong (and then I yell at him to leave me alone because I'm so embarrassed of being such a fat ass). My feet swell like sausages (and I had the baby 12 months ago!). I seriously worry about stroking out or dying suddenly. And that would leave my husband and baby alone, not to mention my parents, siblings, and friends. And that makes me sad.
So, in an attempt to get myself in a better physical place, I am setting several Body resolutions.
1. Join Weight Watchers, attend meetings (unless I hate them and then I reserve the right to switch to online only), and try to work the program as best I can
2. Be more active. This one will be a challenge because I'm not sure when I'll fit it in, but at the very least, I resolve to taking the stairs at work and just trying to move my body more.
3. In association with my Mind goals, explore why I feel the way I do about food in therapy. Hopefully break some of those chains.
4. Go to bed earlier, preferably by 11:00 PM.
5. Learn to love my body again. Learn to let my husband love my body again. Learn to be comfortable in my own skin, whatever size that skin takes.
My second set of resolutions can be categorized under the heading "Body". Yes, that does include losing weight, but it also encompasses more for me.
I've always been heavy. Always, with the exception, perhaps of early elementary school. I am not one of these girls who magically put on weight in high school or college or after having a baby. I've always had the weight on. Admittedly, my weight has increased as the years passed, but it's been so gradual that I hardly noticed. That is, until my pants don't fit and I have to head to Lane Bryant.
I actually had made my peace with my weight in college sometime. I was a big girl and I was okay with that. My health was more or less fine; I was able to walk long distances even if I couldn't run. I had great friends, some boys I flirted with, and eventually I found a long-distance boyfriend whom I loved. I truly did think (and still do) that big can be beautiful. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors.
Most of my family is heavy. I did not have the best eating habits when growing up. We had good food, we just ate it in large proportions with way too many starches and bad-for-you condiments. I used to sneak the fatty bits from steaks. I still love the fatty bits. Mmmmm....
Somewhere along the way, I came to see food as love and comfort. What better way to show your love for someone than to cook for them or take them out to a nice dinner? What better way to calm down and have control over *something* than to eat while your parents were fighting like cats and dogs? What better way to hang out with friends than over pizza or burgers or drinks (or all of the above)?
Over the years, I have tried to lose weight. When I was in my mid-twenties I had good results with Weight Watchers. I think I lost around 30lbs or so. I actually saw my collarbones for the first time in a long, long, time. But, I fell off that wagon and my weight has steadily creeped up until, here I am at 32 years old weighing twice of what an average woman should weigh. Yes, really, I'm not actually exaggerating.
Still, the number on the scale didn't bother me that much (probably because I didn't look at the scale very often). But, several things have happened in the last few years that have just added fuel to the fire. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of years ago and had to go on medication for it. My mother, who always had uncontrolled high blood pressure suffered a massive stroke two years ago. You'd think that would have scared me into action, but no.
Then I got pregnant. I didn't know until I was nearly 3 months along and was taking this high blood pressure medicine that is not compatible with babies. I was convinced I had caused the fetus irreparable harm. Because of the high blood pressure, I was very closely monitored. I had ultra sounds once a month in the early stages and then every two weeks as my due date neared. My baby was born healthy and happy (thank G-d), but she was also very small -- just over 6 lbs. It could have been normal, but it also could have been due to they hypertension. Hypertension restricts blood flow to the placenta and can discourage growth of the baby, hence all of the monitoring.
But, the straw that's broken the camel's back is how I've felt for the last year.
I have felt very unattractive for the last nine months or so. To the point that I avoid my husband sometimes because I wonder why he'd even want to still be intimate with me. I have never felt this way before, even when I was in the dating desert wasteland.
I'm terrified about flying to San Francisco on business in two weeks because some poor soul might have to be stuck in the middle seat next to me for 6 hours. How uncomfortable for them. Not to mention trying to find appropriate work clothes to be on show site. Finding a non-ugly suit in my size is a challenge. And I still look generally ridiculous even in the non-ugly ones.
And worst of all, my body simply doesn't do the things it used to do. Walking is actually becoming an effort for me. My back stiffens up, my calves cramp, I start breathing heavily. Going up stairs leaves me embarrassingly out of breath, enough that my husband asks me what's wrong (and then I yell at him to leave me alone because I'm so embarrassed of being such a fat ass). My feet swell like sausages (and I had the baby 12 months ago!). I seriously worry about stroking out or dying suddenly. And that would leave my husband and baby alone, not to mention my parents, siblings, and friends. And that makes me sad.
So, in an attempt to get myself in a better physical place, I am setting several Body resolutions.
1. Join Weight Watchers, attend meetings (unless I hate them and then I reserve the right to switch to online only), and try to work the program as best I can
2. Be more active. This one will be a challenge because I'm not sure when I'll fit it in, but at the very least, I resolve to taking the stairs at work and just trying to move my body more.
3. In association with my Mind goals, explore why I feel the way I do about food in therapy. Hopefully break some of those chains.
4. Go to bed earlier, preferably by 11:00 PM.
5. Learn to love my body again. Learn to let my husband love my body again. Learn to be comfortable in my own skin, whatever size that skin takes.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Mind
My first resolution deals with Mind. I think that the first step in changing, improving, or being happier is to get your mind in order.
I have dealt with the blues in various forms for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's just being down, sometimes it's outright depression. I've been on medication once and hated it. During my entire pregnancy I was in a great mood. My husband and I didn't fight or bicker, I felt great about life. And, then, after the birth of my daughter a year ago things went downhill. I don't know and I still don't know if it was postpartum depression or just the rockiness that happens after a child's birth, but even a year later, I struggle.
I'm a thinker; I'm always thinking about something. Sometimes innocuous things, but usually I'm dwelling on something that worries me or upsets me. I mind-talk myself into a tizzy and things grow out of proportion. As a result I'm a very anxious and controlling person. It's exhausting.
I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm tired of being critical and mean to my husband. I'm tired of losing my temper so easily with my family. I'm tired of feeling like a terrible mother. I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed out most of the time. I'm tired of not caring enough to go out for a walk, out to dinner, or to put on real clothes.
So, if I can make even small steps in improving my outlook and attitude, I think I will reap great benefits. I know that life isn't perfect and I won't be Susie Sunshine all of the time, but anything has to be an improvement.
My mind goals:
1. Find a therapist and meet with them regularly to sort out my problems with depression, anxiety, the relationship wth my husband, my feelings about being a lousy mother, my anger, etc, etc, etc.
2. Keep a gratitude journal.
3. Learn to fight fair, minimize criticism, and be a nicer overall person to my husband.
I have dealt with the blues in various forms for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's just being down, sometimes it's outright depression. I've been on medication once and hated it. During my entire pregnancy I was in a great mood. My husband and I didn't fight or bicker, I felt great about life. And, then, after the birth of my daughter a year ago things went downhill. I don't know and I still don't know if it was postpartum depression or just the rockiness that happens after a child's birth, but even a year later, I struggle.
I'm a thinker; I'm always thinking about something. Sometimes innocuous things, but usually I'm dwelling on something that worries me or upsets me. I mind-talk myself into a tizzy and things grow out of proportion. As a result I'm a very anxious and controlling person. It's exhausting.
I'm tired of feeling depressed. I'm tired of being critical and mean to my husband. I'm tired of losing my temper so easily with my family. I'm tired of feeling like a terrible mother. I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed out most of the time. I'm tired of not caring enough to go out for a walk, out to dinner, or to put on real clothes.
So, if I can make even small steps in improving my outlook and attitude, I think I will reap great benefits. I know that life isn't perfect and I won't be Susie Sunshine all of the time, but anything has to be an improvement.
My mind goals:
1. Find a therapist and meet with them regularly to sort out my problems with depression, anxiety, the relationship wth my husband, my feelings about being a lousy mother, my anger, etc, etc, etc.
2. Keep a gratitude journal.
3. Learn to fight fair, minimize criticism, and be a nicer overall person to my husband.
2011 here I come
I won't lie, the last couple of years have been very stressful. My mother had a massive stroke. Then I lost two of my grandparents. I also got married and had a baby in that time.
It's not really surprising that I haven't been feeling very happy for the last several months and I feel those effects both mentally and physically. But, this isn't (completely) meant to be a pity post :-)
One day, while browsing Amazon, I came across a book called The Happiness Project. I'm not 100% in love with it, but I found it inspiring. The author decided to try to increase her happiness by undetaking certain resolutions and trying new things.
So, inspired by that book and several others, I am setting myself a series of resolutions. I'm hoping that by keeping this blog, I'll keep myself accountable. I'd like to post most days of the week, so I'm figured I'd split my resolutions into 7 broad categories. Within each category, I may have several specific resolutions. Of course, since this is my life and my blog, I reserve the right to revise this list as I go :-)
My Seven Resolutions:
1. Mind
2. Body
3. Love
4. Home and Organization
5. Friends and Family
6. Spending and Saving
7. Creativity
It's not really surprising that I haven't been feeling very happy for the last several months and I feel those effects both mentally and physically. But, this isn't (completely) meant to be a pity post :-)
One day, while browsing Amazon, I came across a book called The Happiness Project. I'm not 100% in love with it, but I found it inspiring. The author decided to try to increase her happiness by undetaking certain resolutions and trying new things.
So, inspired by that book and several others, I am setting myself a series of resolutions. I'm hoping that by keeping this blog, I'll keep myself accountable. I'd like to post most days of the week, so I'm figured I'd split my resolutions into 7 broad categories. Within each category, I may have several specific resolutions. Of course, since this is my life and my blog, I reserve the right to revise this list as I go :-)
My Seven Resolutions:
1. Mind
2. Body
3. Love
4. Home and Organization
5. Friends and Family
6. Spending and Saving
7. Creativity
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)